Drawing on the success of the 12 Christmas Gifts for a Cheating Ex blog I wrote in 2016, here’s a brand new list of items for the discriminating gift buyer. As the author of Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, perhaps I’m being sexist by assuming the cheater is a man. However, I’ve included some equal-opportunity presents that would be suitable for any unfaithful former partner, male or female. If you want more ideas, take a look at my 2020, 2019, and 2016 gift lists.
Contents
Squishy Ex
Something to remember you by. Fits snugly into the hand. Wonderful for anyone who always needs to be fiddling around with something or someone. This gift cannot be used as a voodoo doll as it is filled with gel that would leak out if pins were stuck in it.
Marked Playing Cards
Once a cheater always a cheater? Great for any sore losers as they’ll be able to win every time.
Meditating Baboon
This is a figurine of Rafiki, the mandrill baboon from Lion King. If your ex considers himself rather a spiritual person, but you think he’s a bit of a baboon, Rafiki incorporates both attributes.
Antique Motorbike
A brand new set of wheels. Fixing this thing up could be the hobby he’s always wanted, or he could try to ride it as is to attract hot babes.
Bondage Bear
A cuddly toy to show him what a teddy bear he is deep down. If he’s now your ex, those chains have been broken! And if he was way too kinky for your tastes, here’s something he can use to act out his Shades of Grey fantasies.
“I’m not dead yet” Badge
This “I’m not dead yet” Spamalot badge is perfect for any Monty Python fan. If he’s an aging Lothario, wearing this will be very reassuring to his new young babe.
Farting Badge
Or how about this “I fart in your general direction” Spamalot badge? If an “I’m not dead yet” badge is not appropriate for your ex, you can still give him a badge to show him that he can be insulting without using any swear words at all.
Primal Fart Book
Here’s an imprtant work entitled The Primal Fart by Lamper. A great gift for a windbag from any orifice, this rare antiquarian book delves deeply into its subject, with more than 300 pages—all blank.
Blow-up Feet
These big blow-up feet turn him into a jolly cartoon character. If you feel he’s walked all over you while chasing after other women, these will slow him down as they’re difficult to move in, especially if he tries to run.
Battle of the Sexes Game
Using questions that will drive both sexes nuts, this deliciously politically incorrect board game claims to determine whether men are better than women or whether it’s the other way round. Of course, most people believe that the superior sex is whatever sex they happen to be. This game is not suitable for the gender fluid.
Kamasutra Master Sign
This “Route 69 Kamasutra Master! 1st lesson free!” sign is perfect for the rear window on his car. Maybe he can add his phone number underneath. He could put it on the fridge instead, but then it wouldn’t be any use for attracting new babes.
Dear Abby Game
As someone with infidelity experience, he can pit his wits against an advice columnist. This game might even improve his manners and morals by learning from the examples of a real professional.
The mantra of my Adulterer’s Wife book is that the best revenge is to get past the need for it and that laughter is the best medicine. Thus this gift list is just for fun and I haven’t provided links to buy any of the items, some of which would be exceedingly hard to find, especially the very elusive Primal Fart. I haven’t suggested presenting anything really nasty, such as a dead animal. It may have worked in that 1972 Mafia movie The Godfather, but I wouldn’t recommend it in real life if you have any desire to protect your interests and have dealings with your former beloved go the way you want.
Nevertheless, I was tempted to make a genuine dead parrot gift number 13. As I wrote in my Thrive Global blog, “How My Life Became Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch,” I had access to a couple of deceased lovebirds and photos of one in glorious Technicolor. But then I would have had too many Monty Python items in this list.
Do you have any snarky ideas about Xmas gifts for Exes? Please let me know in a comment to this article. Happy holidays!
Photos and text © C.J Grace, 2018.
Excerpted from CJ Grace’s forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex FIles: 101 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex-Partner, coming out in 2025.