“This is my eyebrow raiser,” declared my quirky friend Marc Jarrett, proudly holding aloft his copy of How to Cope with a Massive Penis by Karl Robshaw. I had just presented him with a copy of my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not and he was reacting to a story I had told him about Stephen Lewis, a wonderful British eccentric I used to know, sadly now deceased. Stephen had been a very close friend of my boyfriend and was a brilliant economist known during the 1980s in London financial circles as the fifth Horsemen of the Apocalypse for his pessimistic forecasts. He looked somewhat like John le Carré’s character, George Smiley, and as if accountancy would be too exciting for him. I had given Stephen a copy of my Adulterer’s Wife book. He delighted in traveling on the tube—the London Underground subway train, to translate into American English—reading my book in full view of all the other passengers and watching their reactions to him.

The back cover of How to Cope with a Massive Penis reads “For some it may sound like a blessing, but for those who truly suffer this terrible syndrome it can be quite awful. This book is a personal account of how the author overcame his problem and came out smiling. For Karl, that all too familiar sound of “It’s too big” still haunts him to this day but now he has found solace in helping others cope with their massive penis.”

However, this book contains absolutely no content at all. All the interior pages are blank. It is in fact a novelty notebook consisting of 150 college-ruled pages designed to fool people into thinking it’s the real thing. Here are the reasons for buying it that I read on Amazon:

• Play a hilarious practical joke on your friends by gifting them this laugh-out-loud, customized journal.
• Watch the reaction of your co-workers when they see this sat on your desk or check out the strange looks when you get this out on the subway, tube or bus.
• Imagine your in-laws’ faces when they see this sat on your bookshelf or coffee table.
• Give this notebook as a birthday, Christmas or wedding present or just because. The look on the recipient’s face will be priceless!

Also priceless are the Amazon reviews for How to Cope with a Massive Penis, although I felt sorry for the people who were expecting inspirational content inside and didn’t realize they were buying an empty notebook.

Every Christmas for the past few years I have published a list of 12 spoof Christmas gifts for your cheating ex. It was clear that Marc’s Penis notebook needed to be included not only in my 2021 list but also in a book I’m planning to put together in the future, 100 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex.

Marc  is the Managing Director  of Emjay Consulting and a power networker. Known as the King of WhatsApp, he has set up numerous global networks on that platform and invited me to join his Powerful Women WhatsApp group. I believe he is the sole member of that particular group with a penis of any size. I was heartened that he considered me to be a powerful woman because I often have to ask men to open jars for me.

Marc sent me a photo of himself holding How to Cope with a Massive Penis. I assumed he would want to maintain his privacy rather than entertain rumors about the size of his member, so I assiduously Photoshopped his face out of the image. However, when I asked Marc for permission to use his picture,  I was surprised that he insisted I could only use it if his face remained in. Thus, in the photo he is, loud and proud, with no inhibitions.

So how important is a big penis to have success with the opposite sex? According to my research—which was very detailed and consisted of asking a few friends—size is not a major factor for women to decide to have a sexual relationship with a guy. If it matters at all, average medium length and thickness wins the day. Women seem to want the Goldilocks penis—neither too big nor too small.

I’ve heard that a sequel to How to Cope with a Massive Penis has just been published. It’s entitled How to Cope with a Massive Ego. Apparently all the copies have been snapped up by folks in Hollywood and Washington DC.