I have more outrageous gifts for you in this, the eighth year I have done my Xmas Gifts for an Unfaithful Ex blog. If you’d like more ideas in the same vein as these gifts for 2024, take a look at my 2016, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023 lists. Up to and including this year’s blog, I have presented a total of 96 items for your fun and edification. They will be the focus of my third book, coming out next year, organized into various useful categories. The female form and the male form will have their own separate chapters.
Contents
Vintage Matchbooks from Outrageous Places
These matches are hot! If your cheating ex has been chasing tail everywhere, maybe even on travels all over the globe, he or she is still unlikely to have visited the bizarre locations or joined the outrageous groups these vintage matchbooks apparently hail from. Some examples—Alcoholics Unanimous: “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” The Infernal Revenue Service: “If you have any money left, you have underpaid your taxes.” Buckingham Palace: “Heir-conditioned rooms.” Last Chance Morticians in Tombstone AZ: “You’ve done your best, now take a rest.” The Kremlin in Moscow: “Specializing in small or large revolutions.” Nudist Camp: “See ALL of your friends.” These matches from very important places are designed for those who have been everywhere else. This hysterical period piece was made in 1957 and thus is even older than me, and the only place you might have a chance of finding them would be eBay.
Moses Action Figure
The Moses Action Figure comes complete with a shepherd’s staff and stone (well plastic really) tablets inscribed with The Commandments. This is a special Nine-Commandment version, with the Seventh Commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” artfully crossed out with Sharpie marker. Who cares about that one, right? This is the perfect gift for exes who might be so vain and arrogant that they believe the Red Sea should part to let them through and make an imposing entrance to any event. Manufactured by Accoutrements, Moses joins an impressive stable of that company’s action figures, including Jesus, Bluebeard, Oscar Wilde, Wilhelm Richard Wagner, and most importantly, Casanova. I could not find the same Moses action figure as mine on Amazon, but they did have what looked like a Lego-style version made by Nativity Bricks. However, at only 3 ½ inches high, it’s not quite as impressive as the Accoutrements model, so it may not adequately reflect the power and stature of your cheating ex, at least in his own mind.
Intimate Friend Wooden Underpants
If your unfaithful ex had plenty of intimate friends, here’s one more. These underpants are wooden because the fabric is known as “modal” and made from trees. Seriously. Modal is an alternative to cotton, mainly consisting of reconstituted cellulose from beech trees. This clothing, lovingly designed for a man’s private regions, feels soft and breathable—a bit like bamboo fabric. The manufacturer Wirarpa wins the prize for the world’s silliest tag line for their men’s underwear: “Your intimate friend.” You may not have heard of this brand, but according to the other side of the packaging, they are “the leading apparel brand.” That must be because every man wants an intimate friend.
Grumpy Cat Book
Was your ex a Grumpy Cat? Was he or her addicted to negativity and criticism, at least towards you, if not his or her latest squeeze? Here’s the perfect book for such a person—Grumpy Cat: Disgruntled Tips and Activities Designed to Put a Frown on Your Face. And yes, I’ve read it cover to cover and even tagged a few sections. My favorite quote: “A single kiss contains more germs than 100 toilet seats.” Whether this is true or, like most information these days, completely fabricated, it’s a wonderful piece of nonsense to tell a previous or even current lover. As Amazon says, “Internet sensation Grumpy Cat’s epic feline frown has inspired legions of devoted fans. Celebrating the grouch in everyone, Grumpy Cat: A Grumpy Book teaches the fine art of grumpiness and includes enough bad attitude to cast a dark cloud over the whole world.” Grumpy cat’s real name was Tardar Sauce whose permanently grumpy-looking face made her an online celebrity. Her appearance was caused by an underbite and feline dwarfism. Sadly, Tardar Sauce now has to be grumpy from the grave as she died on May 14, 2019, but her internet and literary presence lives on.
Sexual Nirvana Card Game
An ultimate sexual fantasy awaits your ex with this vintage game from 2003, at least according to the manufacturers. If he or she is clueless about how to turn someone on and is a little short in the imagination department, the Sexual Nirvana Card Game might provide some inspiration. The deck includes a dozen of each: Hot Sex Cards, Role Play Cards and Fetish Cards. I found it in a yard sale and the seller told me it belonged to his cheating ex-girlfriend. She clearly role-played herself right out of that relationship. The instructions are unclear about the maximum number of players in a game, but it might be troublesome if an odd number of people want to take part. If you happen to be in a loving monogamous relationship, you might not need any instruction from a cad game (that was actually a typo but it kinda works) about how to reach sexual nirvana.
One-Arm Bandit Piggy Bank
Putting your faith in love and relationships can be quite a gamble. Your ex may have hit the jackpot when he found you but just didn’t realize it, poor thing. Maybe he or she has kept pulling the lever to find another partner in the hope that the next one would be the right one, not realizing that the game is always rigged when deception is involved. If your ex had a quarter for every attempt to get the perfect lover, he or she might be rich—so this one-arm bandit piggy bank offers a chance to put all those quarters in one place.
24 Carat Gold Eye Cream
If he or she was always eyeing up other potential partners, what better way to take care of those important organs than to smother them with gold! L’Core Eye Cream mixes shea butter, vitamin C and vitamin E with just enough 24 carat gold leaf powder to be able to show it prominently in the list of ingredients. If your former beloved or their partner is somewhat of a gold digger, this gift is even more appropriate. Sadly, the stuff isn’t a delightful shiny gold color like the outside of the bottle, but a dull yellow, so you have to spread it in thoroughly to avoid looking like you’ve had a bit of a rough night.
It’s made by L’Core of Paris. Well, of course they wouldn’t be based in Detroit. However, the French is a bit iffy, as there is no such word as “core” in that language, and if there were, it would be “le core” or “la core” rather than “l’core” as that contracted version is only used before a noun starting with a vowel or an “h.” I bet you really wanted to know that.
What will these cosmetics companies think of next? Face cream made of ground-up diamonds? On second thoughts, that might be a little too abrasive. In last year’s list we looked at Radioactive Race Powder, but L’Core Eye Cream is not only much safer—it won’t make your eyes fall out or anything like that—but still overpriced enough to make the recipient feel really pampered. When I checked, the 1 oz jar cost $450 on L’Core’s website but was clearly a steal of a deal at just $165 on Amazon.
Your unfaithful ex was clearly sharing the love, so why not let everyone know that is on offer to the world? Wearing this BCB clothing company pendant allows him or her to share this important information with anyone who gets close enough to read it. Since it takes at least two to tango as regards sharing the love, this necklace comes with two pendants. One has a written statement of intent and the other is a diamond(-ish) studded heart to give a graphic interpretation of love-sharing, ie: let me give, or maybe just temporarily lend, my heart to you. Made out of genuine silver-colored metal and real rhinestones.
Brain Slice Coasters
If your unfaithful ex had half a brain, he or she might have thought twice about losing you. So here’s a full brain’s worth of coasters to add to whatever might be missing. Each of the ten coasters depicts a slice of brain and together as a set they complete the entire organ. If your former partner is too lacking in gray matter to work out the correct order, this set of ten neuroanatomy coasters are numbered from 1a to 10a so that they can be organized correctly. Just remember to have coaster 1a on top, unless you’re doing a headstand. They’re made of glass with rubber feet at the corners to protect the underside. They’re quite robust, as I dropped the whole lot on the floor by mistake, and not one coaster was damaged. However, although this brain has feet, no little brain is included, even if your ex might have been using that to make a lot of decisions, particularly as regards relationships.
Propaganda Game
Your unfaithful ex can up his or her game and transform from a kindergarten-level deceiver into a PhD-level social manipulator just by reading the 70-page instruction booklet to Propaganda. However, a considerable number of functioning brain cells are required to comprehend it. This exceptionally intellectual game was originally released in 1966 and is based on the book, Thinking Straighter, by George Henry Moulds, which is regrettably out of print. Although some of the examples in the game cards may seem dated, the various propaganda techniques players are supposed to identify continue to be used today. They can be spotted all over the internet and in mainstream media, not only in advertising but also spouted by politicians, journalists, government officials, celebrities, healthcare providers and corporate executives. This item is probably the most sophisticated gift I’ve ever included in my Christmas list and won’t be appropriate if your cheating ex was, as we say in British vernacular, thick as two short planks.
Boob Bag
In Britain we have bum bags rather than fanny packs as in the UK, fanny is a rude word for female genitalia, rather than the American meaning, buttocks. That being said, if we can have bum bags and fanny packs, why not a boob bag? It’s made by the appropriately-named company, Unblushing. Amazon has a cheaper version of this, but it only has black and white illustrations, and the color, as described by Amazon is “bag.” Hmm. I prefer Unblushing’s boobs with bright pink cartoon-style nipples. Many of them look like eyes. Although the item is designed to hold make-up, you could use it to store male or female accessories. Thus this pouch is perfect for an unfaithful former husband who enjoys looking at breasts and is always on the search for a forbidden ones outside wedlock. There are 36 pairs depicted on each side of this handy zipper pouch. This item was given to me as a gift because I do a lot of talks about breast cancer awareness and it‘s the subject of my second book, My Wild Ride: How to Thrive After Breast Cancer and Infidelity, but the only boobs I tend to look at are my own and that’s just to do breast exams. So I was somewhat surprised to read on the tag that a portion of the purchase price would be donated to Planned Parenthood rather than a breast cancer charity.
Maui Male Bottle Opener
We’ve already had boobs on the list of gifts for a cheating ex but it would not be complete without a penis. Unlike those happy little red men from last year’s list, here’s a full-size manly item that immortalizes an unfaithful ex-husband’s most important body part. This tastefully decorated bottle opener comes from the sunny tropics of Maui and fits snugly in your hand. In celebration of nocturnal penile tumescence, known in the vernacular as morning wood, this item is made of real wood and is apparently obscenely good at opening bottles. Grab a penis in one hand and a beer bottle in the other to remove the cap. What better memento of a Hawaii vacation than a purple penis adorned with flowers and a gecko. However, if this kind of penis is not quite the thing for your ex, it also comes in green, black and blue and is available in a smaller size as a keyring rather than a bottle opener. This unique gift came from Hawaii Gift and Craft in Kihei Maui, but I got it one Christmas as a secret Santa gift. It was given to somebody else at the party but they didn’t like it. I was happy to snap up a full-size penis in exchange for the lavender soap I had received. One rather boring purple object was switched for another purple item that was much more fun.
Photos and text © 2024 by CJ Grace.
Excerpted from CJ Grace’s forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex FIles: 101 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex-Partner, coming out in 2025.
Please note that this blog contains Amazon links for which CJ may get an exceedingly miniscule commission, at no additional cost to the buyer.