This year’s carefully curated Christmas collection is again drawn from across the globe. The products showcased here hail from England, Italy, France, China, America and even that very exotic country, California, as well as from completely off the planet. As usual, I’m being sexist by assuming that your ex is male, mainly because mine was. However, some of these gift ideas will work for a man, a woman, and at least as regards the final item, a barnyard animal. If you want more ideas on presents to give a cheating ex, take a look at my 2019, 2018 and 2016 gift lists. My view is that the best revenge is to get past the need for it, so I’d never actually send my ex any of these items. But that doesn’t stop me compiling a spoof gift list every year because laughter is a great way to combat the sadness of a broken relationship.

Toilet Bowl Night Light

If you feel he threw your life down the toilet by running off with someone else, here’s a colorful reminder. Whether he made you see red or feel blue, it’s all there in the rainbow of colors available with this nifty device. Plus, if he was always going off to pee at night and missing the bowl, making a mess that you probably ended up having to clean, this is a night light that is sure to help his aim.

Hairy Trucker Hat

Here’s a new look to attract the women, particularly if your ex is going bald. This hat is made in Italy. It reflects the European view of a stereotypical American male. I rescued this hat unused, still with the original tag, from a British rubbish bin after Halloween. My son loves the thing and it matches his hair color perfectly. The only problem is that he insists on shouting in a bad approximation of a Deep South accent whenever wears it. Personally, I think he should wear it for his next job interview.

Reindeer Poop

A sack of sh*t for Christmas? No, this confectionery I found in England just contains malt balls—known as Maltesers in Britain—in some fancy packaging to resemble deer droppings. However, the real things are very much smaller and darker in color. I’ve had plenty of that in my yard because the deer love the plums from my tree. They tend to get drunk on them and turn into homicidal, suicidal maniacs. They’ll bolt out of my driveway into the road, bent on attacking drivers and cyclists.

Earthquake in a Can

How about giving him a California Canned Earthquake? Did his infidelity turn your world upside-down? Or is he a Lothario who reckons he makes the earth move for all his ladies? If the answer is yes to either of these questions, this is the perfect gift. Just touch the can and it will shake and shimmy for you.

Book of Erotic Failures

The Book of Erotic Failures has been meticulously researched by Peter Kinnell who may or may not be the gentleman on the bike shown on the front cover. Did you find your ex lacking in the bedroom department? Or did your former beloved think your performance between the sheets was below par? This book from 1988 is full of amusing sexual mishaps. It proves that there are lots of considerably worse lovers out there than either you or your ex-partner.

Male Teapot

Whether you think he’s a dick, or he’s proud of the size of his member, this teapot says it all. I found this treasure in a store in Yangshuo, China. The shop owner was obviously fed up with people taking photos of the thing, so you can see her trying to stop me taking the picture. As my ex has told me, I never listen.

Game for Old Farts

1950s-1980s Reminiscing is described as being aimed at those who remember the Beatles. Here’s a game he won’t be able to play with the sweet young thing half his age whom he left you for. Or at least, that would be the case for my ex. Of course, I could play it with my former beloved since I’m almost as ancient as he is, but not quite.

Off-World Peace Pendant

This Peace Pendant is decorated with three characters in mysterious script. I found this pendant when I was packing up my ex-husband’s stuff to send to him. I hadn’t seen it before and thought it was a Sanskrit pendant that he’d got from a Buddhist teaching. I texted him a photo with the message, “Does this Tibetan pendant belong to you?” “Yes,” my ex replied, so I gave it to my son to take to him. My son looked at it and said, “No, mom, it doesn’t belong to dad. I bought this for you as a gift  and forgot to give it to you. The writing on it is Klingon, not Tibetan. It’s the word roj, which means peace.” Since the Klingons are a warlike race, peace is not as highly prized as it is on Earth, and in some cases might even be seen as an insult. However, if you’ve been at war with your ex, finding peace with him or her might be a good idea. This gift incorporates both those mixed messages and somewhat of a desire for peaceful coexistence. Trekkies will love it.

Bossy Mug

According to your ex, were you a Bossy Boots? If he was always complaining that you nagged him or you thought he bossed you around too much, this mug is very appropriate. No subtlety here.

Pacifier Wine Bottle Stopper

Wouldn’t this wine bottle stopper work well for an infant to suck on? I was struck by this item’s resemblance to a baby pacifier—known as a dummy in British English. If your former partner did not have a very mature attitude towards alcohol and his or her drinking habits are something you definitely don’t miss, this gift conveys a subtle message yet will be something he or she will always have a use for.

Silverware for a Big Eater

He can grab far more in one forkful or spoonful with these jumbo utensils. I included my feet in the shot to show the scale of the fork and spoon. They would be perfect for my ex. When I had made dinner and we’d finished eating, his frequent refrain would be, “I’m still hungry.”

Third Prize Male Medallion

I found this in a flea market in France. Mâle means a male animal in French, usually a bullock. This medal would have adorned a prizewinning bull—not the first prizewinner but the one that came third. If you think your ex is a third-rate male, this is the gift for him.

Sadly, like my gift suggestions from previous years, many of these items are one-of-a-kind and unavailable, even on Amazon. You’ll just have to improvise. Maybe some socks from Costco?

Photos, video and text © CJ Grace, 2020.

Excerpted from CJ Grace’s forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex FIles: 101 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex-Partner, coming out in 2025.