Yes, I’m a hypocrite and inconsistent. In the last four years I’ve compiled a list of spoof Christmas gifts for a cheating ex, I haven’t included links to get any of the items. The mantra of my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, is that the best revenge is to get past the need for it, so I didn’t want to encourage anyone’s vengeful instincts. Now, by popular demand I’m including links to buy any items that are readily available. Some people told me they wanted to get things I mentioned in my previous 2020, 2019, 2018 and 2016 lists for friends, relatives and existing partners. There was a worldwide shortage of unfaithful exes in in 2017, so I never compiled a Christmas list for that year. Actually, I’m lying about that—I just dropped the ball. All the items included in the 2021 list are 100% guaranteed to create laughter. They already have done so. That’s because I always find my own jokes to be extremely funny.
My previous lists gathered items from all over the globe, but this year, in keeping with the Covid tradition of a travel-free existence, all 12 gifts hail from the United States, although many of these products have taken their own journey to get here as they were manufactured—yes, you’ve guessed it—in China.

Fart Guide

Farts: A Spotter’s Guide by Crai S. Bower is a vast improvement on an item I included in my 2018 Christmas list, The Primal Fart by Lamper which had more than 300 pages but all of them were blank. Ten notable kinds of farts, ranging from the Seismic Blast (hailing from San Francisco) and the Flight of the Buttock Bees (originating from Russia) are described in detail. Each fart can be heard at the touch of a button. I was considering including a video of the book to allow you to hear a few of these farts. However, I decided not to do this as I was unsure whether the farting sounds would count as music and thus subject me to arcane copyright infringement problems. Farts: A Spotter’s Guide can even be purchased in French and German, because the French and Germans fart at least as much as people in the English-speaking world. Whatever language your ex may speak, most likely his or her trumpeting style will be included in this guide. However, it cannot reproduce the noxiousness of your ex-partner’s farts. Maybe an olfactory rather than just an audio version of this book will be available later on to include in one of my future Christmas gift lists.

Chicken Poop Lip Balm

If your ex has dry, sore lips from kissing all those lovers, he or she needs this 100% pure free-range Chicken Poop^TM Lip Junk. Yes, the manufacturers are trying to trademark “Chicken Poop.” According to the packaging, Grandpa says “If ya got dry lips, put chicken poop on ‘em so you won’t lick ‘em.” No truth in advertising here, though. This product contains absolutely no chicken poop at all and instead such boring ingredients as beeswax, jojoba and lavender. How disappointing.

Psychotic Therapy Game

Check out the N.U.T.S. Psychotic Therapy Game. If your ex was cheating on you, he or she was clearly nuts to want to spend time with someone else. Maybe this therapy card game can help bring some normality to that poor fool’s twisted mind. N.U.T.S.^TM stands for Nine Unauthorized Therapy Sessions using “psychoanalysis from actual psychos…like Herman the German Rorshock, Karl Young (pronounced Jung), Professor Fraud and others.”

Manual for Coping with a Massive Member

This book about dealing with a supersized schlong is a gift designed for any proudly upstanding promiscuous male. How to Cope with a Massive Penis by Karl Robshaw is based on the research of the Indian mystic, Ivor Bhigwan and the Roman nobleman, Biggus Dickus (who appeared as himself in the film, Life of Brian). This important work was the subject of an extensive blog I wrote, entitled Massive Penis One-ups Adulterer’s Wife. Robshaw’s book is a real page-turner, at least if you’re desperately thumbing through it looking for content, because all 150 interior pages are blank.
I want to thank my quirky British friend, Marc Jarrett, Managing Director of Emjay Consulting, for providing the photo. Marc insisted that I showed him gleefully holding How to Cope with a Massive Penis aloft rather than cropping his face out of the picture. He clearly wants everyone to know he owns a copy of the book. Enough said.

My Breast Friend

If your previous partner has been busy fondling other women’s breasts rather than your own, why not turn this into a useful service that he can provide? My Breast Friend^TM is a silicone boob on which he can practice finding breast lumps. He could even save someone from a premature demise. A married woman I know had a lover who discovered a lump in her breast that was an early-stage tumor. She is still in remission decades later.
As a two-time breast cancer survivor, I bought My Breast Friend to train myself to do better self-exams. I wouldn’t have thought of putting the item on my Christmas gift list if it hadn’t been for all the lewd comments that I got when my male friends saw it, such as, “You should send one to your boyfriend in London so he doesn’t forget what it’s like to feel your boobs!”

Bitchy T-Shirt

Perfect for the promiscuous ex-husband who had a whole extramarital stable (or should I say kennel?) of women on the go. It reminds me of Natasha’s story that I included in my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not. Natasha was a cat lover, her husband, Les, was a dog lover. Natasha hated dogs, so she would joke about her relationship with him, telling friends, “I told him he could have me or a dog, and so far, he’s stuck with me.” Her tune changed once she discovered his affairs: “I told him he could have me or a dog,” she would say ruefully, “But now I’ve found out that he had me and a bitch all along.”

7-Up Cake

Of course I had to make the 7-Up cake item number 7 on the list. It is perfect for an ex-partner who lacks class and refinement. Nothing demonstrates an unsophisticated palate more than a cake based on a can of soda. It’s encouraging to hear that this confection contains “real 7 Up flavor.” Presumably this means the cake includes key ingredients of the drink such as that healthy staple, high fructose corn syrup, as well as potassium citrate and calcium disodium EDTA. A mouthwatering mixture. And if the cake isn’t moist enough, you can just pour more soda on it.

Deceiving Doormat

This gift is perfect for an ex-wife who was not only deceiving you sexually but also financially. If she is continuing her big-spending habits in her latest marriage, she’ll need this doormat. Amazon has plenty of choices of mats with the “hide packages from husband” message. Of course, “hide packages from wife” doormats are also available for your profligate, promiscuous ex-husband. You may even be able to customize the message. One Amazon seller shows a doormat that reads, “HERE USE YOUR CARATIVE GENIUS TO REASONALIZE YOUR OWN MAT.” Sadly, products from this carative genius of a seller are currently unavailized.

Octopus Mug

Great for ex-partners who’d get their tentacles wrapped around any member of the opposite sex within reach. This octopus mug also presents an interesting sight as the level of coffee or tea in it goes down. Little white wormlike appendages appear before the octopus’ body is visible, which might send a bit of a shiver down the spine of an unsuspecting drinker.

Butt Nugget Box

Some might consider an unfaithful ex to be a butthead for being unfaithful and for not putting all his or her eggs in one basket. This plastic butt nugget egg container says all of that and more, as well as providing a useful service in any refrigerator. With a butt nugget omelet, breakfast will never be the same again.

Remote-Control Tarantula

If your unfaithful former beloved was an expert at spinning a web of deceit to hide his or her lovers on the side, this is the perfect gift. This remote-control tarantula moves in multiple directions to get its prey, most likely just like your ex. The light-up eyes allow you to use it in the dark. And if your ex is bored with his or her current squeeze, the tarantula can be used to scare that person away. Since this toy is suitable for anyone over five years old, your ex should be able to cope with the instructions to use it even if he or she is a technophobe.

“Hands Off” Paperweight

For the technophobe unfaithful ex who hasn’t yet joined the digital world and gone paperless. The paperweight is hand-carved wood, or at least, carved wood of a hand. The aim of this item is to keep prying eyes away from any incriminating correspondence such as love letters, or bank and credit card statements showing trips and spending sprees on lovers. The message on this paperweight is sure to discourage your ex’s new partner from rummaging through his or her papers, even if infidelity is suspected. This paperweight is part of a pair. The other one reads “Hands off My Penis.” It is specifically geared towards the poor, hapless man who is unfaithful through no fault of his own as women just seem to throw themselves at him.

All photos © 2021 by CJ Grace, except How to Cope with a Massive Penis photo courtesy of Marc Jarrett. Please note that this blog contains Amazon links for which CJ may get an exceedingly miniscule commission, at no additional cost to the buyer.