This year’s gifts are hypocritical, vulgar, inconsistent with my mission message and politically incorrect. But as I once heard Love Without End author Glenda Green say, “politically correct” is always political and rarely correct. Yes, I know that the mantra of my comic self-help book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, is that the best revenge is to get past the need for it, but at least for my annual Christmas gift list, humor trumps platitudes. Many thanks to my trusty yard sale companion, stained glass artist Mark Webb, for spotting some of these items and drawing my attention to them. He has a keen eye for nutty knick-knacks. If you’d like more ideas in the same vein, take a look at my 2016, 2018, 2019, 2020 and 2021 lists.

Cat Guru Cards

Whether he considers himself a top dog or a cool cat, this wisdom from the world’s most celebrated felines should be greatly appreciated. Most cat owners will attest to the fact that their pets show a keen sense of intelligence. In many cases, it is the cat that owns the human rather than the other way round. Your ex’s infidelity showed that he clearly was making some bad decisions, so he might welcome some expert counseling. The advice on the 50 cards this item comprises was painstakingly transcribed from hours of interviews with feline gurus. Since I lived in Beijing for more than 2 years during the 1980s working for China Radio International, my personal favorite advice card is the Ai Weiwei Cat. He is pictured with security cameras pointing at him from the top corners of the card. His advice: “If you love someone, set them free—but keep them under surveillance.”

Semen Cookbook

If your ex is promiscuous, a lot of semen is likely to be produced in the process. So, what can be done with it all? That’s where Cooking with Semen: 50 Delicious Recipes by Shaun Bolt comes in. You may wonder how I found out about this peculiar publication. You can blame the X-rated sensibilities of networking maestro Mr. Marc Jarrett, Managing Director of Emjay Consulting, for the appearance of this item on this year’s Christmas list. Trying to one-up the book on dealing with a supersized schlong that he proudly displayed for last year’s Christmas list, the indefatigable fellow texted me a photograph of the front cover of Cooking with Semen. So, what is this book all about? According to the back cover:
“Semen is nutritious, has a fantastic texture and incomparable cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. The cost of semen is generally free if you know how and who to ask and it comes in abundance. Unfortunately, however despite its low production cost and almost unlimited availability, it is rarely used in cooking. With this book, we want to create a movement. Forget veganism—that is so 2019. We want semen to become a household staple, one on everyone’s shopping list.”
You may be interested to know that Cooking with Semen: 50 Delicious Recipes has been banned by IngramSpark publishing, but not for the reasons you might think. Nothing to do with sexual content. Nothing to do with the fact that the book does not give you any of those promised delicious recipes. The dubious content IngramSpark is cracking down on includes books containing blank pages exceeding ten percent of the total content. Cooking with Semen is in fact a novelty notebook that is completely blank inside and sadly, those scrumptious semen concoctions are nowhere to be found.

Māori Coasters

Did you feel like doing an angry war dance when you found out about your partner’s infidelity? Then these coasters, imported from New Zealand, are the perfect gift for him or her. They will be even more appropriate if your former beloved is a rugby fan. The coasters have a ribbed plastic surface and use technology called lenticular printing that I remember from 3D moving cartoon cards I had as a kid in the seventies. Colloquial terms for these kinds of prints include “flickers,” “winkies” and “wiggle pictures,” which almost makes them sound pornographic. Depending on the angle from which they are viewed, the coasters show two very different images of a Māori man’s heavily tattooed face. One is fairly benign, the other shows him bug-eyed and sticking his tongue out. This is the traditional facial expression for the haka Māori war dance that has been popularized by the New Zealand All Blacks rugby team, who perform a haka before every game to challenge their opponents. Apparently, the traditional meaning of the haka facial expression is to say to the enemy, “My mouth waters and I lick my lips for soon I will taste your flesh.” However, if I were you, I would refrain from letting your ex know this Silence of the Lambs aspect to the coasters, even if, deep down, it might be exactly the sentiment you would like to convey.

Service Bell

This item is for an ex who always expected you to be at his beck and call and made you feel like an unpaid servant. Now he can simply ring the bell to summon his current partner. This is much more professional and efficient than loudly bellowing out her name to call her to attention, and it also makes her lower status abundantly clear so that there are no misunderstandings. The bell also works well if he has a harem of females available. As soon as he’s finished with one, all he has to do is ring the bell and the next one will appear to perform her duties. A bit like I Dream of Jeannie but instead of uncorking a bottle, the mechanism to get service is by ringing the bell.

Frog Spit

In the Brothers Grimm fairy tale, a princess kisses a frog and he turns into a handsome prince. In real life, you may have thought you were marrying a handsome prince and he turned into an unfaithful toad. To celebrate the fact that this man is now your ex, why not present him with a gift of Frog Spit. If he’s an ocean swimmer and likes to go snorkeling, this stuff also happens to be very good for defogging a mask. Just apply and let dry. Each bottle contains the humanely harvested organic saliva of 100 rare green frogs from Molvania, which has unique defogging properties. As the bottle says, “Stop the fog—use the frog!”

Inflatable Reindeer Antlers

This Inflatable Reindeer Ring Toss is a game to embrace one’s inner Rudolph. If you wanted to throw things at your partner when you found out he or she was cheating, here’s a way that this can be done in a spirit of Christmas cheer. This unique holiday-inspired game gives your former beloved a three-foot set of inflatable antlers that the whole family can try to toss rings onto, and many of the ones that miss are likely to land in his or her face. If things get a bit rough and the antlers spring a leak, there’s even a puncture kit included to do a repair. For the person who has everything, because one thing I can guarantee they won’t have is this reindeer ring-toss game.

Screaming Santa Chicken

I often buy the weird and wonderful items I spot at yard sales to include in my annual spoof Christmas gift lists, photographing them with more attractive backgrounds at home rather than in situ. However, I would not have wanted this rubber Santa chicken even if they had paid me to take it, so you’ll have to put up with the grungy background. The Santa chicken is guaranteed to annoy the heck out of your ex, especially if he or she has children or a pet dog who will keep squeezing this ugly thing to make it squeak. This item is a chewing toy that supposedly calms down agitated dogs, but the loud sounds it makes when the dog plays with it will transfer that agitation to its human owner.

Free and Easy Wanderer Teapills

Among the supplements I took when I was dealing with breast cancer were Chinese medicines with flowery names like “Left Side Replenishing” or “Psychedelic Magical Mystery Tour” teapills. Actually, I made up that second name. The teapills were pea-sized black balls. I frequently dropped one or two of them and they would rapidly roll away on the floor, never to be found again. Sometimes the things would actually bounce. I discovered that my unfaithful ex had been taking a preparation of these teapills for a different ailment. His were called—and I am not joking this time—“Free and Easy Wanderer Plus” teapills—and I have the photograph above to prove it. This name made me chuckle as it reminded me of the title he had wanted me to give my Adulterer’s Wife book: The Wanderer’s Wife. Free and Easy Wanderer Plus is used to deal with ailments you may never have heard of before such as “Qi stagnation, liver fire uprising or underlying Yin deficiency.” It is also supposed to lessen the effects of anxiety, irritability, stress, and depression due to daily life. Would that work for dealing with the emotional roller coaster of discovering a partner’s infidelity, I wonder? So much for wondering. Instead, why not give your wandering ex a bottle of Free and Easy Wanderer Plus teapills for Christmas? If your former partner realizes what a mistake he or she made to trade you in for an inferior model, pills to deal with depression and irritability would definitely come in handy!

Bathroom Noise Machine

Perhaps your former beloved was a fartastic gas producer—a veritable windbag with enough flatulence to power a small subdivision. Then this nifty device belongs in his bathroom. No more having to waste water running the faucet to mask anal activity. Peaceful, billed as the world’s first Bathroom Noise Machine, plays white noise to block bathroom sounds and is motion-activated or can be turned on manually, with a two-minute timer and an adjustable volume control. I discovered this item in the bathroom of a couple who are good friends of mine. I’ll keep their names confidential but I suspect they must fart a lot. The white noise the device played sounded somewhat like rushing water and initially I was looking around their bathroom to see if someone had inadvertently left a faucet open. This item was featured in one of my standup comedy routines, Financial Alchemy and Farting.  Look out for future upgrades to the Peaceful bathroom noise machine that will enable it to mask unpleasant smells as well as noise so that the area becomes aromatically as well as aurally peaceful.

Happy Man Bottle Tools

Check out this Happy Man Bottle Stopper, Corkscrew and Bottle Opener Set. Did you feel that his or her screwing around made you feel screwed? Did the infidelity make you see red? You can convey that message with a gift of this Happy Man set, great for any promiscuous person who likes a little tipple. My Christmas list is never complete without a penis or two, and this item gives you three all in one set. Manly gifts such as these will be appearing in the “What a Dick!” chapter in the third book I’m working on, 100 Gifts for an Unfaithful Ex. I’ve already written almost three-quarters of the content—72 of the 100 entries—since this is my sixth annual Christmas list.
A bit like Ford’s Model T, you can have these jolly bottle stopper, corkscrew and bottle opener guys in any color you like, so long as it’s red. These Three Thrusterteers, very appropriately, are made out of thermo-hard plastic. The bottle stopper Happy Man in the second-hand set I found at a yard sale was missing an O-ring, but I had a plumbing set of them with a ring that fit perfectly. Putting it on the little man reminded me of the times I had put a condom on the real thing, although in most cases, the real thing is  somewhat larger.

Never Empty Beer Glass

Still on the subject of alcohol consumption, is the glass half full or half empty? Was booze as much of a rival as his or her lover? If your ex was a heavy drinker, this glass will make him or her feel like the booze will never run out. It’s a double-walled fake beer mug filled with freezer gel that looks like beer, complete with a thin line of froth at the top. Your former partner can accompany friends to a beer party and use this mug to fake being a beer-drinking champion, or alternatively can put it on his or her desk at work to freak out the boss.

Worker Ant Party Picks

Was your cheating ex a real pest who liked to party? Then give him or her a set of Worker Ant Party Picks. These are giant ants that no exterminator will be able to get rid of. For the next soiree your former beloved hosts, he or she can throw away the toothpicks and switch to using ants as beasts of burden to grace the table. Although these endearing little creatures are billed as washable, I would not risk cleaning them in the dishwasher as they are likely to turn into misshapen lumps, but maybe that’s what your ex looks like these days too. Please note: no live ants were hurt or abused in any way in the staging of the above photo.

Photos and Video © C. J. Grace, 2022.