In the movies, revenge is sweet. In real life, that’s not necessarily the case. The desire for revenge can be a very toxic emotion that keeps you bound to all the negative effects you’ve suffered from his infidelity. Seeking vengeance can lead to endless hatred and bitterness—it never brings back what you have lost.

In David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, Malcolm Gladwell discusses a situation considerably more devastating than an unfaithful husband or a failing marriage—dealing with the murder of a child. He contrasts the lives of parents who have taken the revenge route, often characterized by broken marriages and lifelong suffering, with those who have tried to move past and let go of the pain of losing their child, even attempting to forgive the murderer. A famous aphorism from the New Testament illustrates the importance of forgiveness within Christianity: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do;” says Jesus while he is suffering on the Cross. Quite an improvement on the “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” revenge model (from King Hammarabi’s code of ancient Babylon), don’t you think? Nevertheless, you could find “an affair for an affair” to be quite beneficial, but it might end up too much like hard work if you happen to have a horny goat of a husband who is out there bonking everything with boobs. If you had to keep up with it all, you’d feel like you were in a marathon race. Also bear in mind that revenge sex doesn’t tend to end well. If that’s the main reason behind having an extramarital affair with someone, rather than, say, you like him, find him attractive and enjoy his company, it’s neither good for you nor fair to the guy.

The Dalai Lama is another spiritual leader who takes a strong stance against revenge. He advocates and genuinely practices compassion towards the Chinese who have oppressed, imprisoned, tortured and killed his people.

So if the parents of a murdered child, Jesus on the Cross, and Tibetan monks tortured by the Chinese can forgive, how about trying to forgive your wayward spouse and his girlfriends? Even if you’re an agnostic or an atheist, rolling your eyes at the mention of Jesus and religion, at least consider the value of trying to come to terms with your circumstances and finding a way to be at peace with yourself.

The bottom line is this: why waste mental space thinking about how to take revenge on your husband and/or his mistress, rather than putting your focus on how to make your source of happiness and fulfillment independent of the pair of them? The best revenge you can take is to move past the need for it. Easier said than done, of course, but it’s still very much worth striving for.